I’m a web developer by trade. Some days, it’s uber cool….playing with all the techie toys, the less computer-literate bowing down in homage and awe at my incredible electronic prowess. But some days…it just sucks. There are lots of reasons why. Working too hard on projects that take too long and don’t pay enough. Trying to be nice and getting kicked in the teeth for it. Not having time to learn all the things I need to learn – because if there’s anything you learn as a computer geek is that the more you know, the more you realize what you don’t know. For all my supposed prowess, I’ve barely scratched the surface.
But I slog along, working to get somewhere. I’ve had multiple people tell me I’m one of the most driven and ambitious people they know. Obviously they aren’t living in my skin… I feel guilty spending time playing Civ4. The people who are really successful don’t do that, do they? They have perfect homes with nary a dustbunny hiding under the sofa. Their dogs are too well-mannered to track grit all over the house. They have passels of children who are always perfectly washed and don’t leave jelly goobers on their clothes and the sofa. Our house is usually a candidate for a national disaster area. So what is the difference between them and me? Are they working harder, or just smarter? Or as Tom supposes, are they high on amphetamines?
Maybe I just expect too much of myself. Maybe I need to sit back and enjoy life…and once I stop trying too hard it will all just come to me easily. Or maybe I just don’t have what it takes. How do you figure it out? There should be some kind of test online (my god, there are tests for everything else) that once taken will just say “Give up already. It ain’t happening.”
I know I could do more. So why don’t I? Instead of playing Civ, I should be doing the dishes. Instead of telling myself “I don’t have time to exercise, clean house, play with the munchkin” I should stop wasting my time and do it. I honestly think sometimes I’m my own worst enemy. I know what I need to do. The little voice in my head is nattering on insistently about it. But I find my hand clicking that button for Civ, I find my mouth saying again “I’m too busy to play, I’m working” while I read my horoscope. Somewhere my priorities are jacked.
A common thread in my posts seems to be endless questions and doubts. I want answers, dammit…but there just don’t seem to be any. At least not easy ones. Am I making things too hard? Or am I just refusing to see what’s in front of me?
*sigh*
